It was several years ago.
Everyone was going to celebrate Christmas, preparing a Christmas tree and gifts. And I was alone in a foreign country, no family, no friend; and it seemed to me that I was abandoned and forgotten by all people. There was emptiness all around and no love: a distant city, strangers, callous hearts.
And in melancholy and despondency I remembered a bundle of old letters that I managed to save through all the trials of our dark days. I took it out of my suitcase and found this letter. It was a letter to my late mother, written twenty-seven years ago. What a blessing that I remembered him! It is impossible to retell it; it must be cited in its entirety.
“My dear child, Nikolenka.
You complain to me about your loneliness, and if you only knew how sad and painful your words make me.
With what joy I would come to you and convince you that you are not alone and cannot be alone. But you know, I can’t leave dad, he’s suffering a lot, and he may need my care every minute. And you need to prepare for exams and graduate from university.
Well, let me at least tell you why I never feel lonely.
You see, a person is lonely when he doesn’t love anyone.
Because love is like a thread that ties us to a loved one. This is how we make a bouquet.
People are flowers, and flowers in a bouquet cannot be alone.
And if only the flower blooms properly and begins to smell fragrant, the gardener will take it into the bouquet.
It’s the same with us people. Whoever loves, his heart blooms and smells fragrant; and he gives his love just like a flower gives its scent.
But then he is not alone, because his heart is with the one he loves: he thinks about him, cares about him, rejoices in his joy and suffers from his suffering. He doesn’t have time to feel lonely or think about whether he is lonely or not. In love a person forgets himself; he lives with others, he lives in others. And this is happiness.
I can already see your questioning blue eyes and hear your quiet objection that this is only half of happiness, that the whole happiness lies not only in loving, but also in being loved.
But there is a little secret that I will tell you in your ear: whoever really loves does not ask and does not skimp. You can’t constantly count and ask: what will my love bring me? is there reciprocity waiting for me? Or maybe I love more, but they love me less? and should I surrender to this love?..
All this is wrong and unnecessary; all this means that love does not exist yet (not born) or no longer exists (died).
This careful trying and weighing interrupts the living stream of love flowing from the heart and delays it. The person who measures and hangs does not love. Then an emptiness forms around him, not penetrated and not warmed by the rays of his heart, and other people immediately feel it.
They feel that everything around him is empty, cold and hard, they turn away from him and do not expect warmth from him. This dampens him even more, and now he sits all alone, neglected and unhappy…
No, my dear, love must flow freely from the heart, and there is no need to worry about reciprocity. We must awaken people with our love, we must love them and thereby call them to love. Loving is not half happiness, but whole happiness. Just admit it, and miracles will begin around you.
Surrender to the flow of your heart, let your love go free, let its rays shine and warm in all directions. Then you will soon feel that streams of reciprocal love are flowing towards you from everywhere. Why?
Because your immediate, unintentional kindness, your continuous and selfless love will imperceptibly evoke kindness and love in people.
And then you will experience this reciprocal, reverse flow not as “complete happiness” that you demanded and achieved, but as undeserved earthly bliss in which your heart will bloom and rejoice.
Nikolenka, my child.
Think about this and remember my words whenever you feel lonely again. Especially when I’m not on earth.
And be calm and trustworthy: because the Lord is our gardener, and our hearts are the flowers in His garden. We both hug you tenderly, dad and me.
Your mother.”
Thank you, mom!
Thank you for your love and comfort. You know, I always finish reading your letter with tears in my eyes. And then, just as I finished reading it, it was time for the Christmas vigil.
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Orthodox stories from life
