A strange thing happened in a distant temple. Somehow, imperceptibly, apparently due to dampness, the acoustics completely deteriorated. No, you could hear the local priest — Father Agapius — and the choir was still good. But somehow not everything is wrong.
For example, Father Agapius comes out to the pulpit to preach and says:
— During Lent, it is important to gain the experience of renouncing sin and excesses, the experience of reasonable prayer in church. And lean food should only help this. As far as your wallet and health are concerned, you can adhere to these rules, developed over centuries. The main thing is that you accept God in your heart. They did not slander, did not envy, did not condemn. This will be the main preparation for Holy Communion.
And people hear:
— La, la, la, la, la, la Lenten food!
And after the sermon they immediately run up to their spiritual father and inquire with all kindness:
— What and when should you eat now? Are you sure you can use vegetable oil? And even on Thursday? And on Wednesday? Is it okay to eat the whole fish, or do you have to pick out the eye and liver first, because blessed Barmaleyushka said that this puts the enemy’s power to shame? Isn’t it a sin if a cookie contains sodium maltodextrin pyrophosphate sulfite or potassium degenerate? This is what the Masons secretly put in to corrupt the Russian people? Is it true?! We were told on the pilgrimage! Don’t languish, for God’s sake! Don’t hide it from us, father. Otherwise we will die forever!
And the priest just throws up his hands:
— Where did you guys pick up this heresy? Poor fellows!..
Father Agapius suddenly comes out and preaches with all zeal:
— Today is the feast of the Entry of Christ into Jerusalem for suffering and death for the sake of our salvation. As a sign of the Easter victory over death, you can pick up willows.
And people hear:
— La, la, la, la, la willows!!!
And let’s go to the pulpit in a crowd, sweeping away the candlesticks on your way:
— Father! Happy willow holiday to you!!! Is it possible to consecrate them now? What is the psalm for the pole? A! Yes, that’s us later, when we retire. Better yet, tell me what these branches help with? How to dry them? Is it possible above the gas, or only during the full moon, on the windowsill of an even-numbered house, on the sunflower side? Should I read some kind of akathist to Kozmodemyan at this time, or just draw a chalk around it? Is it possible to crumble them into soup so that your husband doesn’t get sick? Or maybe mix it with cathedral butter? Otherwise he won’t eat, you bastard! But in the monastery they said that you only need to stuff pillows with them so that you don’t have bad dreams, you, for example. Nothing personal, father, forgive me, you yourself chose such a dirty profession!
Father again pulls the sleeves of his cassock to the sides:
— Who is it that confuses you all? You should at least read some smart book, the Gospel, for example.
And the people hear:
— La, la, la, la, la book!
And right there, adjusting their glasses on their noses, the parishioners ask:
— That’s good, Father, you said about the books, thank you. On your advice, I have already bought four of them and read them to the gills. What do you mean – this is not what was advised? And I liked these, I have a right! “Miracles of the penultimate time”, “1000 and one answer of Elder Vykrutasy with pictures”, “How to properly wait for the Antichrist” and “Feast of the Spirit, or Posthumous Tales of Algamagel”. Such grace cannot be described enough. And in this regard, I have questions: how should you chew the land from the Almagel grave: from right to left or from left to right?.. What does it mean not to chew? Aren’t you a liquid Mason, perhaps?
Father holds his head, “Ahhhh” shouts, and runs to the altar to hide from the senseless and merciless people’s anger. After the blessing of water, Father Agapius says:
— Today is Epiphany, the holiday of Light, enlightening the whole world. In Rus’, a tradition has developed — to swim in an ice hole with reverence. But this is not the main thing. You need to come to the temple, pray, take communion. And remember, sins are washed away by repentance, including contrition at Confession, and not by drunken swimming.
And people hear:
— La, la, la, la, la, we need to swim!
And they resolutely ask:
— And where will you have the font for Epiphany? And when is the best time to swim: on the 18th or 19th, or at midnight? Is Epiphany water stronger than Epiphany water? Tell the truth, don’t lie! Why isn’t there a pond nearby? How will there be no font??? How can I wash away my sins??? What Confession, what Communion? What kind of innovations have they come up with here?! I have nothing to repent of here to you! I don’t go to Confession and I won’t take communion! You priests came up with all this to shake money out of us! I bathe for Epiphany, and that’s enough for me! God is in my soul!
And another time Father Agapius says:
— Love your neighbor and leave him alone! It is not man for the Sabbath, but the Sabbath for man! Do not hinder those who come to God!
And this portly guy makes his way through the crowd and declares:
— Here! You are the right pop. Otherwise, everything is prohibited everywhere. What does it mean, “You can’t go to church with a hippopotamus”? And I want to! This is Vasya, he’s been with me since childhood, tame and smarter than all of you! Saturday for Friday, or whatever you call it?! Forbid anyone to enter with a boa constrictor, you monsters!! And finally! Why can’t you go to church naked and on a white piano with champagne??? I don’t have it with me, but you have a lot of money. Are you “servants of God”? And I am a modern, developed, harmonious person. I’m not a slave. So serve me. Come on, they quickly flew to the tavern, spiritual servants!!! I have come, everyone is on their knees! What does it mean to “be quiet” and “show some respect”? It is in the theater or the administration that we need decency and respect. But you don’t need to go to church. For what? You must forgive me all my whims, otherwise what kind of Christians are you? Eh! What does the watchman have to do with it? Do not touch me! How evil you are! Not real! I’ll go to the babtis or podventists some day! There’s love!
But Father Agapius still loved everyone and prayed for everyone. And he hoped to get to the Kingdom together with everyone, and not to lose anyone along the way. People are not to blame.
It’s all acoustics!
Author: Hegumen Silouan (Tumanov)
Holy Land Charitable Foundation
Investment in the Soul!
