As an example of a positive effect (the Pygmalion effect), the following experiment can be given. Psychologists conducted intellectual testing of students and announced to teachers that they were able to identify especially gifted children who were actually randomly selected. At the end of the school year, the researcher again tested and checked the results of all students. It turned out that the achievements of those who were misled by teachers considered gifted, markedly exceeded the results of “ordinary” students. That is, the attitude to the success of the child, faith in his abilities leads to real success, real achievements.
While the belief in the failure of the child makes him strive for this failure. By scolding a child (and an adult!), that is, by more than resolutely and convincingly asserting that he (she) is: “lazy”, “coward”, “indiscreet”, “idiot”, “scoundrel”, we suggest it. If you say: “Nothing will come out of you!”, “You are completely incorrigible!”, “A real traitor!”, “You have one road (to prison, under the fence, to the panel, to the hospital, to the damn mother)”, then it will be. It is a true inspiration, it creates an image of the future, it acts after years.”
From a spiritual point of view, such statements can be qualified as curses. A man curses another when he desires evil with passion and indignation. Elder Paisios the Holy Mountain gives such an example. “One father had a son who kept leaving home and staggered around. One day, his father, in a fit of irritation, said to him, “You come to me once and for all!” And on the same evening, when the boy was returning home, just opposite their entrance, he was hit by a car to death. He fell and remained lying down, then friends took his body and brought home. After his father came to the Holy Mountain and came to me in Kaliva. He cried and said, «My child died right on my doorstep.» He started talking, and then he said, «I told him something.» — «What did you tell him?» “He was walking at night, I got angry and said to him, ‘You will come to me once and for all!’” Maybe that’s where the trouble came from? «Well, what else?» I replied. Try to repent, confess. You, he says, will come once and for all, and the child will be brought to the dead. And father, let him tear his hair and cry. (Elder Paisios St. Highlander: «Words», Volume 1 «With pain and love for modern man»)
ZElder writes that the parental curse and even just the indignation of parents acts very strongly. “Even if parents have not cursed their children, but have merely become indignant because of them, the latter do not have a single bright day afterwards: their whole life is one continuous torment. Then these children suffer their whole life. Thus, parents need to be extremely attentive not only to their words, but also to their state of mind when communicating with children. Avoid negative emotions towards your children. If you feel that you are beginning to become irritated, angry, angry, it is better to interrupt communication with the child until you can restore mental balance. Unfortunately, parents often criticize their children automatically, out of habit, without thinking about the consequences.
Automators and autopads are parents who treat their children unconsciously, reflexively, according to stereotypes — automatically acting programs, without such frills as feeling, play, logical thinking, intuition, creative imagination, anticipation of consequences or even just simple feedback. Button programming does not give them the ability to change their behavior depending on its results. They’re always right. Mistakes are not noticed. Goals (encourage, for example, a child to learn lessons, finish school, be neat, decent, hardworking, etc.) are either not achieved or are achieved at an exorbitant cost (the child’s loss of will — turning into a car, loss of confidence and dignity, loss of health and mental and physical (disgust for study, work, culture, spirituality and life itself, flight to the computer, schizoo, drugs). Due to the constant mismatch between the desired and the actual (it is not so easy to turn a child into a car, oh no!), automoms and autodads are mostly in a state of discontent, irritation and anger. Generously rewarding the child with negative definitions, black characteristics, in every possible way instill in him that he is bad, not capable of anything worthwhile, that he is not worthy of love and life, that he was born in vain» (V. Levy «New non-standard child»).
A striking evidence of the perniciousness of parental automatism is a letter written by a father to his son. Under the title «Father’s Remorse,» this letter first appeared as an editorial in a prominent American magazine. Then it was reprinted many times by various publications. A heartwarming example of parental repentance: Listen, son. I say these words while you sleep; your little hand is under your cheek, and your curly blonde hair is stuck on your wet forehead. I sneaked into your room alone. A few minutes ago, while I was sitting in the library reading the newspaper, a heavy wave of remorse came upon me. I came to your bed conscious of my guilt. Here’s what I was thinking, son: I took my bad mood off of you. I chose you when you were getting dressed to go to school because you only touched your face with a wet towel. I scolded you for not cleaning your shoes. I screamed angrily at you when you threw something out of your clothes on the floor. I found fault with you at breakfast, too. You spilled tea. You swallowed your food greedily. You put your elbows on the table. You put too much butter on your bread. And then when you went to play, and I was in a hurry to catch the train, you turned around, waved at me and shouted, «Goodbye, Dad!», I frowned and said, «Straighten your shoulders!» Then, at the end of the day, it all started again. Walking down the road, I noticed you playing balls on your lap. There were holes on your stockings. I humiliated you in front of your comrades by making you walk home ahead of me. Stockings are expensive — and if you had to buy them with your own money, you’d be more careful! Imagine, son, that your father said that! Remember when you walked into the library where I was reading, timidly, with pain in your eyes? When I glimpsed you over the paper, irritated by what had been interrupted, you stopped in hesitation at the door. «What do you want?» I asked sharply. You didn’t say anything, but you rushed to me, hugged my neck and kissed me. Your hands clutched me with a love that God had put in your heart, and that even my disdainful attitude could not dry up. And then you left with your legs, up the stairs.
So, son, soon after, the newspaper slipped out of my hands and a terrible, nauseating fear seized me. What has the habit done to me? The habit of finding fault, of baking, that was my reward to you for being a little boy. It is not that I did not love you, it is that I expected too much from my youth and measured you by my own years. And in your character there is so much healthy, beautiful and sincere. Your little heart is as big as the dawn over the remote hills. It manifested itself in your spontaneous impulse when you rushed to me to kiss me before going to bed. Nothing else matters today, son. I came to your crib in the dark and, ashamed, kneeled before you! It’s a feeble redemption. I know you wouldn’t understand these things if I told you all this when you wake up. But tomorrow I’ll be a real father! I will be friends with you, suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I’ll bite my tongue when an irritated word is ready to come off it. I’ll keep saying like a spell, «He’s just a boy, a little boy!» I’m afraid I thought you were a grown man. But now that I see you, son, cringing tiredly in your crib, I realize you’re just a child. Yesterday you were in your mother’s arms and your head was on her shoulder. I demanded too much, too much.” At the same time, the greatest treasure for a child can be a parental blessing. This is how Elder Paisios Svyatogorets says: I remember one mother had four children. None of them got married or married. My mother cried, ‘I will die of grief, none of my children have married.’ Pray for them. She was a widow and her children were orphans. I got hurt for them. I prayed and prayed, but to no avail. «Something’s wrong here,» I thought. «We were, her children said, spoiled.» “No,” I say, “it’s not from damage, you can see the damage.” Or maybe your mother cursed you? — “Probably, father,” they say, — in childhood we were very naughty, and she kept telling us from morning to evening: “Yeah, so that you be stumps!” — “Go,” I say, “to your mother and tell her the true cause of your disorder, so that she will come to her senses.” Tell her to repent, to confess, and to bless you from now on without ceasing.” And in a year and a half, all four of them created families. Apparently, this unfortunate easily fell into a state of irritation and despondency. The mischief offended her, and for that she cursed them.” Parents need to bless their children as often as possible, say kind words to them, support them («you will succeed», «you can», «I believe in you», etc.).
Vladimir Levy, in his book The New Nonstandard Child, writes: Praise for what is not, and it will appear. It is possible, and sometimes necessary, to praise not for what has been achieved or earned, but simply for what is, and even for what is not. Praise can and should be in the first line of children with disabilities physical and especially mental, mental. If the child is timid, lethargic and crying — praise him constantly, support him and kind words, and kind looks, encourage for everything. If you are irritable, angry, aggressive, cruel — not giving a descent for assassination attempts, do not skimp on praise: praise as often as possible, brighter, more convincing … Praise can and should be a child persecuted, persecuted, scapegoat. Praise is very necessary after any loss, failure, failure — yes, you should certainly find a reason for this — for something accidentally approve, and again, again. Praise should be generously and immediately at the threat or already at the development of a disease, including mental» (V. Levy, ibid.). If the child is sick, physically weakened, it can not be left without praise for a day. Often, a kind word spoken to a child in time can cure, can save a life. Parents, take care of the physical, psychological and spiritual health of your children. Be careful what you say to your children. I want to finish the article with the words of the poem V. Levy:
Do not scare the baby, the soul will leave him, Run to the underground garden, will not find a way back … He’ll be big and old, he’ll be a stranger to himself. And run away from happiness, and scare your children, you hear?
A Author: Elena Makeeva, child psychologist
Charitable Foundation Holy Land
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